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Mindfully feeling like shit, with Crohn’s

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My therapist recently introduced me to the idea of mindfully feeling like shit. So often in our society we are told to think and be positive, and deep emotions that do not fall into that category are told to just go away. I am a very emotional person and cry a lot, yet I am also very good at pushing my emotions inside and not truly process them. This has hurt me so much!!!

Very recently I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, and it sucks. It makes me feel like shit, and things keep changing and I am amazed that I have survived so much already. My butt is broken (well, it still works but it now has extra holes that aren’t healing properly), I have rotating mouth sores that are always annoying and sometimes very painful, and now I developed severe joint pain and swelling. It was an ankle and a big toe, now it’s both ankles, that big toe, a pinky finger, an elbow, my right knee, my back, my neck, and my left hip. These are all symptoms associated with Crohn’s, and autoimmune disease that affects people differently depending on the location and severity of the inflammation in their digestive tract. 

The pain is the worse part. I can’t seem to get it under control. Steroids helped, but then it made my fistulas worse (the broken butt part of me). They lowered my steroid dosage, but that also means I experience more pain and swelling. Even opioid pain medication is not making a big difference. I just got a cane to help me get around the house. It has helped so much! Sitting down and getting back up is the worst, but finding any position to be comfortable in is also really difficult. I used to do fairly well laying on my left side, but then the hip pain started. Sitting still causes me too much pain to do for too long. 

Sleep has been incredibly difficult. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep because of a racing mind, and/or body pains. I tend to go to bed late since I know this will happen and hate the feeling. Trying to avoid the inevitable. Maybe if I’m a little more tired I could fall asleep better? Sometimes I wake up in the middle night and need to get up to take pain meds and let them start having an effect before going back to bed. Then, in the morning, I have trouble getting up. Either since I know the day is going to be a challenge with everything I am dealing with, or the pain is so unbearable I don’t want to try and move. I also have anemia so I have been extra tired and randomly take (sometimes unexpected) naps.

I am a fairly independent person. I hate relying on others for things. Even though I have been in a committed relationship the last seven years, watching my partner help take care of me and do chores I usually do has been tough. I started to ask for more help, since I need it, and my partner has been supportive and helpful, but I still hate it. I am the cook in the house, so not being able to provide nutritious homemade meals right now also really sucks. I am very limited on what I can eat right now as well. Food has become a huge frustration for me. It is rare that I have enjoyed it in the last few months.

Watching my body change and not having control over it has been incredibly worrisome and difficult. Being fat my whole life, I have also been incredibly mindful of my health and other people’s perception of it. I have always loved my muscles and strength. I have not been able to be very active for the last few months and I can see myself losing muscle mass. I feel a lot weaker and it sucks. I remind myself that I should heal once treatment begins and then can work on building up my strength again. There is just so much unknown, it is difficult. How long will treatment take until I start to heal? What side effects will it have on me? Will I get sick since I will be on immunosuppressant therapy? How much greater risk will I be now for covid?

Blah! Scream! Shit! This sucks! Autoimmune diseases are the worst! Fuck Crohn’s disease! Ugh! Fuck! 

Okay, I let it spill out of me…

Things really do suck, a lot, right now. And although I do not think positivity is required, I do want to acknowledge some not negative things. Learning to reach out and ask for help from my community has surprised me in a wonderful way. People I haven’t even met volunteered to bring me food. Friends who I haven’t hung out with in years brought me food. Friends who have to travel a good distance volunteered to drive me to the hospital, multiple times. One friend even made me homemade soups based on what I can eat and brought them to me to freeze and heat as needed. Wow! One day I needed to pick up a medication for my rat that was desperately needed, but I couldn’t get to the vet office and was in so much pain. I contacted another rat-loving friend who also went to the same vet, and she picked up the medication for me and dropped it off. So many people are doing such amazing things for me and offering to help even more, if needed. 

I also got to experiment more with food. I made the most amazing cauliflower and cashew based alfredo sauce! So creamy and it made so much sauce I was able to freeze some for my friend who made me all those soups. I also used a pumpkin curry soup that was a little too ginger spicy for me (which there could not be such a thing as too ginger spicy before my mouth sores) as a base to make a delicious sauce adding canned pumpkin and peanut butter to it. Fantastic! 

Working has been a challenge! I took off a good amount of time when I was having surgeries for my fistulas in June, and some other times when I was having an extra bad day. Once the joint pain started, I wasn’t sure how much I was going to be able to work and needed to work less hours. Luckily I am working from home during all of this. I would not have been able to continue working if I still had to physically go into work. I’ve had special bathroom needs, had lots of medical appointments, food difficulty, and needed a lot of time flexibility. Also, I can’t sit, so I have been doing most of my work laying on the couch or in bed. My bosses and coworkers have been incredibly supportive and I even got some extra help from work that surprised me and blew me away. So appreciative! 

I still have a long road ahead of me and am constantly trying to get through this new life of mine. I know I won’t be suffering like this forever. But sometimes it feels like I will. Reminders are important! Also, finding little things to be happy about. Such as my adorable rats, or playing Animal Crossing with my partner since there’s so much less for us to do together right now. Getting flowers for my balcony, and then watching hummingbirds come and visit the flowers. This hell won’t be forever. It will freeze over.

Learning to trust your body

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I have been doing fat acceptance activism for 20 years so you would think that I would have a better grasp on reality versus what is societal brainwashing. Unfortunately the 20 years of brainwashing before getting into activism, during prime times of my development, had a dramatic effect on my life- and the thinking of others. It is difficult to get away from it all when society is so in sync with the mindset; if you are fat it must be your fault. 

I am now a few years into my 40s, and that is when I started to have some health issues. Luckily nothing major, but I will admit that some of it were issues that although happens to people of all sizes and have a strong genetic component, if often associated with larger sizes regardless. Although there is no moral obligation to health (nor any guarantee), I personally strive for it and wanted to figure out options to increase my chances of better health. So I went to see a nutritionist. I made sure to find a nutritionist that was well versed in HAES (Health At Every Size), along with being knowledgeable and respectful of a vegan lifestyle.

During my first appointment, the nutritionist asked me questions about my personal habits, as well as what my current food intake looked like. I could tell that she takes a more holistic look at nutrition from her questions, which I appreciated. I could also tell from her questions that she thought I ate a balanced and nutritious diet already, and she needed clarification on my goals. This made me realize how much conditioning affected my outlook on myself, and I was a little embarrassed as a fat activist, that I let that all seep in so much. I had convinced myself there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed, and although I got some tips for adding more nutritious options into my diet, the main thing I learned is to trust myself more. 

Besides the age-related health issues I’d been facing, I also have a chronic pain condition. I do not have an official diagnosis although it will probably be classified as fibromyalgia, which I think is a trash can diagnosis. I had been blaming myself for these body pains, and again assuming it is something that I was doing wrong rather than a condition causing the issue that I had less control over. Even knowing these things, I still catch myself doing this blame game and need to stop myself. The conditioning is so strong and it is going to take a lot of time to decommission the mindset.

Ironically, the realization that body size is not something under my control is the catalyst to why I started on my path to fat acceptance. At the time I was in my early 20s and doing everything “right”. I was incredibly active and fit, ate a balanced nutritious diet, yet I was still fat. At the time, I hated my body. I hated myself. I was miserable. And I knew that I couldn’t go on like that anymore. Although my body size was not a choice, how I looked upon my body was one. So I made a conscious decision to embrace my body, appreciate my health, and start adding fat acceptance into my activism. 

My fat acceptance should not be contingent on my health status. I am deserving of respect (from myself and others) regardless of my size. I learned a long time ago that people don’t really care about your size because of health. This false health concern is just a disguise for bias and hate. We’ve been brainwashed as a society to hate fat (and make the diet industry rich), so people don’t even see it when they are participating in it. We need to call out this bias and hate when we see it; recognize it for the bigotry it is. This also means we need to start educating ourselves so we recognize it when it happens, as well. 

Fat acceptance is a social justice issue, to put it simply. This means the discrimination, stereotypes, and bias fat people face is unacceptable. People in larger sized bodies should be treated equally in society, in the doctor’s office, in the workplace, in dating apps, etc. Anything less than this is contributing to an unfair world where justice will not be found for any group of individuals. When people refer to intersectional veganism, or the connection of oppressions, I am including fatphobia in these discussions. I am asking for a celebration of body diversity in communities, in society, in the world, as one part of the equation of social justice for all. 

Be Nourished is a great resource for learning more about body trust.

Bill Maher is Shameful

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Bill Maher used his platform and privilege to encourage people to fat shame on Friday night. As if fat shaming ever stopped, but I guess he wants it to be even worse? There is so much wrong in his rant and his ignorance is disgusting. Fatphobia is never okay and it needs to be shut down.

The first problem is he uses stereotypes to determine who is healthy and who is not. In his eyes, all fat people are unhealthy and only eat meat and dairy. He literally said that fat people are “killing not only themselves but the planet”  since farmers are burning the Amazon “to make room for future hamburgers”. As if only fat people eat hamburgers. (Plus, the Amazon fires are much more complicated than just creating space for cattle, but is rooted in capitalism, discrimination of indigenous people, and colonialism.) Later in his tirade, he said that we now “fit shame” by looking at a slender person and telling them to eat something, and equates the slender person with being fit and working out. There is no way to know if a slender person actually eats “healthy” and exercises by looking at them. There has been a problem with people saying this sort of thing to very thin people, but this type of body shaming is also discouraged in body acceptance circles.

Reality is, you can not tell a person’s health by looking at them. There are fit fat people, just like there are unfit thin people. Although Bill Maher exclaims science says that fat can’t be healthy, that is simply not true. Science actually says you can be fit and fat, plus science says you can’t lose weight and keep it off. Science says the overweight category of the faulty BMI system is often the healthiest body size. Science also says that shaming does nothing but cause more problems- since social pressure can cause stress which changes hormone levels and can lead to weight gain.

As a vegan who eats a ton of vegetables, it also made me mad that the stereotype of fatness is completely equated with eating meat and dairy. I am tired of people looking at my body and assume I eat those things. The problem is not my body, but societies stereotypes of what a vegan looks like, and what causes fatness. Body size is not a simple formula of just eating “like assholes” as Bill Maher says, and not exercising. 

By ignoring environmental impacts, genetics, societal stressors, and more, we are doing a disservice to people’s health of all sizes. In fact, it is not only a disservice, but it is also racist, homophobic, fatphobic, ableist, xenophobic, transphobic, sexist, etc. since all the marginalized identies are faced with more stressors and adversity than others, especially compared to a rich white cis man like Bill Maher.

No one has a moral obligation (or guarantee) of health, but we need to create true resources and openness to everyone who wants to attempt a healthier lifestyle. Currently there are so many roadblocks on the way to health for people, which often revolves around access that many people take advantage of. Access to fresh vegetables, access to affordable healthcare, access to parks, access to affordable gyms, access to a life without unconscious bias and daily microaggressions, access to a therapist, access to ways to cope with stress, etc. 

Health is so much more complicated than what we put in our bodies. Trying to simplify a person’s body size hurts not only that person, but society as a whole as well. Trying to place blame on fat people for things like climate change and the healthcare crisis just shows how ignorant people can be about this issue and relies on old stereotypes that are not only untrue, but harmful.

Society deserves better than having to listen to tirades like Bill Maher’s who asks for further persecution against people who are already discriminated against. Any person who asks for an entire type class of people to be shamed and treated poorly, needs to be shut down. This is a person not worthy of a public forum. Please turn him off!

The stress of being fat

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Dealing with chronic stress is something I decided needed to be my top priority this year. I have anxiety and I know it is caused by not handling stress and processing my emotions effectively. And I have a lot of emotions. I get physical pains that I know are the results of stress on my body. It is always changing. Some things stay the same, but I also have a rotation of other weird issues that come and go. I know my mom has similar issues and I see how this affects her daily life and I don’t want that to be me in 30 years.

One thing that is important for me to recognize is the role fat bias has had on me. It is a form of chronic stress that I have been dealing with since I was a child. Then, it was being bullied about my size and made to feel different and not accepted. I was constantly trying to change myself and be thin so people would like me and I’d have a chance of having a boyfriend at some point in my life. Since of course I was taught that was not an option at my size, but don’t worry, I had such a pretty face. I was one of the most athletic children growing up, but I was never recognized for any of my physical achievements. I wasn’t really recognized for my educational achievements either, mostly I was just ignored unless it was to discuss my size.

When my mom would take me to the doctor, they constantly wanted to test my thyroid, and any other tests to try and figure out why I was my size. I didn’t really understand it all then, but I knew they were telling me my body was wrong and they were trying to find a way to fix it.

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Me as an awkward kid very excited about holding “Zoomber” who we rescued after his mom died. He lived with us for a year before going back to the “wild” of our yard and lived on happily. Moments like this, connecting with animals, is what got me through a difficult childhood.

Although my parents were mostly too busy to deal with me and my issues, dieting would come up on occasion and my mom was constantly trying to lose weight herself. My grandma was the worse, constantly criticizing what and how I ate when she was visiting. Sometimes it would become a Cinderella story. One time while visiting her, I was forced to do a gross chore of cleaning chicken waste off of boxes she had me dumpster dive from a local fast food restaurant. I have no idea what she used those waxed cardboard boxes for, but I didn’t want anything to do with them. Having no choice, I was at the side of the house hosing them off and being disgusted, while my cute little (thin) sister was playing not far away in the swimming pool with no responsibilities at all.

Besides personal experiences, there is also the constant barrage of media messaging I received that I was not good enough, no one would ever be attracted to me if I was fat, I must be unhealthy, I will remain all alone, I am unsuccessful, I am unaccepted, I must use all my energy to try and lose weight, I must spend all my time exercising, I am not allowed to enjoy a cupcake, if I ate a cookie I must not be trying enough, I must be eating wrong, there is [insert fad diet] that you must try, you are not worthy. Isn’t that exhausting? Doesn’t that sound stressful?!

 

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Although the image is adorable, the assumption that weight is directly related to food intake is problematic and wrong.

As an adult I am so fortunate to be able to find body and fat acceptance. But the reality is that does not change some of my conditioning. No matter what I am doing with my body, I worry it is not enough and that will cause me to die, since I grew up being told fat is a death sentence. This creates a domino effect where I worry about my health, get stressed out, think I am dying, my anxiety gets worse, my stress increases, and my body pain increases, then I try to do more exercises or new exercises, and then I get hurt, and can’t do as much, so then I worry more since I am less active and more in pain. Yikes! And if I go to a doctor, they usually concentrate on my weight and not my actual health issues. I will have to hear about my BMI, or that I refused to get my weight taken. I may hear lectures from doctors concerned about my size when they have not asked me a single question. The doctor knows nothing about me, besides my size, yet think they know my whole story (eat poorly and am not active). One doctor tried recommending to me to eat more vegetables and try walking 15 minutes a day. At the time I was biking over 15 miles a day and already ate a very vegetable abundant vegan diet. She never asked me anything about my lifestyle before making her recommendations. Luckily I currently have a good doctor who addresses my actual health concerns and takes good care of me. This was vital for me to address my chronic stress.

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I also worry that I am not worthy. I second guess friendships and relationships. The only ones I rely on 100% is those with non-human animals. I know their love is real and reliable. They were the only ones I could rely on growing up. I have experienced communities where I did not fit in nor was I valued because of my size. Feeling like an outsider in a community I should otherwise thrive in is so infuriating. My partner is great and supportive, but I still allow some doubt to slip in on occasion no matter how much I am shown otherwise.

There are other ways fat bias affects my everyday life and creates stress. Going places where I do not fit into the chair, having to squeeze by someone who does not provide enough space, watching a friendly cashier chat up the people before you in line but suddenly get quiet when they talk with you, online friends who assume you don’t know anything about exercise and explain things like you are a dummy, watching a friend’s friend fat shame others and then ended up at an event and having to share the same space without punching them. I will also bring up doctors again since fat bias is literally killing people. These extra stressors for fat people are very real. I recently watched Brene Brown’s vulnerability ted talk after someone suggested it, and even that contained the disrespectful “headless fatties” imagery and stereotypes that fat people is just the result of food addiction. I can’t catch a break since fat bias is everywhere!

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Finding body shaming and stereotyping in the vegan community is sadly common place and especially frustrating to me as a long time vegan who’s faced bias in activism.

Research supports the claim that people who are stigmatized and marginalized by society experience increased mental and physical health affects. There is a strong argument that a lot of the health issues fat people face is due to these fat bias stressors themselves. Everyone is so quick to blame fat for every and all health issues. What fat people actually need for health is acceptance, quality care, being listened to, and taking weight out of the equation. Personally, if I could walk through life without these constant reminders of how society does not accept me and stereotype me, I would be a much better off. I know anyone who says they are mean to me out of concern for my health is completely full of bullshit. It should be simple to show respect for every person and advocate for health at every size. Anything less than this is simply bigotry.

Can we take a moment to talk about chairs?

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Last year my workplace moved offices and the new meeting rooms came furnished with tables and chairs. The chairs have basic metal frames with cloth, and sadly, arms. The arms of the chairs press against the sides of my upper legs when I am seated and it is incredibly uncomfortable. Every minute I sit in the chair I get more uncomfortable and find myself twisting and shifting to try and fit a better way so I won’t be squeezed. But the chair is simply too small for me. Please notice that I did not say that I am too big for the chair. The problem should never be my size, but those objects not made to accommodate larger sizes.

I decided to be brave and tell my boss that the chairs are not an option for me and it would be great if they looked into getting new chairs. My boss, although friendly and often takes suggestions well, is also thin and would never have to deal with a problem like this. She cannot truly understand the effect it can have on a person. I feel like fat acceptance in the workplace is often dismissed as a society and is not something I am comfortable asserting (yet). I do have a small “You are in a body-positive zone” flier pinned up in my cubicle, but no one has mentioned it yet.

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Small flier from Nalgona Positivity Pride.

My boss heard what I had to say and commented that other people complain about the chairs as well, but that was the last of it. I told many people about my distaste for the chairs and made it clear to some teammates that I could not use those chairs. I ended up bringing in two of the old office chairs into the main meeting room I use. I was so upset the first time I got to a meeting and those chairs were taken, especially since people I had confided in were using them. I thought for a second about forcing myself into discomfort, but then I went and looked for another chair. Having to find another solution is incredibly frustrating. Although people are not purposefully trying to make me uncomfortable, their ignorance hurts me. It puts me in an awkward position of having the play musical chairs to find something that fits, or harm myself with something that does not. Or speak up and make all of us incredibly uncomfortable and me wanting to cry. I just want to feel like an appreciated and accepted team member.

Of course the workplace is not the only place this is a problem. Going out to eat, going to the doctor, at a sporting event, and anywhere else you sit in public you’ll find similar challenges. I have also been guilty of this! Just because I can sit somewhere, does not mean other fat people can as well. I have body size privilege as well and need to think about accessibility in public spaces for my super fat friends and had to learn that the hard way. I was so embarrassed, but that doesn’t help my friend. I made sure to correct the situation, took accountability, and now use it as a lesson.

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An inaccessible chair at a doctor’s office.

Please check local establishments for their accessibility, especially when inviting a fat friend out. There are now apps for this! (At least it is being established.) You can check out Allgo and Amble for more information.

It is not hard to be thoughtful and make sure people feel welcomed and comfortable. A chair that provides support and doesn’t cause pain should be the bare minimum. My work story has a happy ending. I went to HR about the issue since I was so tired of having anxiety around meetings. They listened and was understanding and while they were already working to get new chairs, they fast tracked it. I was shocked that while I spoke with HR on a Tuesday, by the end of the week the meeting rooms had new chairs. Impressive! And this is how it should be.

“This is discrimination for smaller women”

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Modeling a dress I designed for Portland’s Modified Style in 2012. Photo by Michael Zaugg.

There shouldn’t be anything less controversial than a clothing swap, right? Especially when it is being held at a local co-op that is all about sustainability, only carries vegetarian foods and has lots of vegan options. There is reduced cost yoga, cooking classes, potlucks, and more community events that take place in this same space.

This clothing swap was posted publicly on facebook event as “Large Size Women/Femme Clothing Swap” and the descriptor originally said it went from size 14 to 2X. Already not inclusive enough, but there was a capacity limit to 25. This was supposed to be a monthly event and naturally the interested list got to be in the hundreds. The organizer decided to narrow down the sizing more because of this, and changed the sizing to just 14 to 1X. I guess that one size was just too much!

I was looking at the comments to see if I was imagining the size change since I would not have marked interested if it originally only went to 1X. I then noticed the comment, “This is discrimination for smaller women.” Sigh. The organizer commented that there is another swap for smaller sizes at another day and time. No mention of how ignorant the statement was.

You see, there is no such thing as discrimination against smaller women. Let me explain! Fat bias and discrimination is embedded in our culture. Statistics show that fat people make less money- if they can get a job in the first place since they have a difficult time being hired regardless of their qualifications. They are also subject to harassment in the doctor’s office, which often includes a lacking or wrongful diagnosis. That is if they can get past the stigma of visiting a doctor’s office that tends to be a hostile environment for fat people. This is just two examples that impact the lives of fat people. Living in a marginalized body means never getting a break from this bias so rampant in our culture.

Body shaming is always wrong. I know there are awful stories of thin people experiencing harassment because of their size as well. The ultimate goal of fat liberation includes acceptance of all bodies. Fat people are disproportionately affected from systemic oppression from a culture that celebrates thinness. Thin privilege exists. Thin people can fly in an airplane without worrying about fitting in the seat or having to pay extra, get proper health insurance coverage, have clothing availability with more stylish options, have medical issues treated directly, don’t have assumptions about their eating or activity habits, not see copious amounts of weight loss messaging telling them their bodies are considered unacceptable, and not being told you are a bad example of a vegan. Trying to say that thin and fat discrimination is the same diminishes the stigma fat people experience.

Back to the clothing swap story! So, another attendee also noticed this change in sizing. Well, I reached out to her to see if I was remembering correctly. Then she saw the ignorant comment and also got upset. She ended up commenting that the swap was already not inclusive enough of larger sizes and how it was frustrating for the sizing of the swap to be changed. I can’t quote exactly what she said because, guess what? Her comment was deleted!

So the organizer felt a comment about not having a swap for smaller sizes and called it reverse discrimination was okay, but a fat woman calling out this change in sizing was deleted without discussion. You know what that is? It’s fatphobia. I am sure the organizer did not set to treat the fat woman differently, but she did. She treated her comment as out of line, or unnecessary, or inappropriate. But a thin woman creating an unsafe space by calling the swap discrimination simply because it didn’t include her smaller body size that most clothing swaps are inclusive of, was okay.

I commented. I pointed out this fact. The organizer just said she was trying and creating the event is difficult and she can’t please everyone. Completely missing the point. She ended up saying she will learn and do better next time. I replied that she could delete the ignorant comment now, there is no need to wait.

Then the entire event disappeared! I did not set out to cancel this event, nor is it something I would have wanted. Asking for fat women to be treated fairly should not cancel an event, but if the organizer can’t handle that, then I guess it’s not an event people should be supporting.

Fragility is real and it hurts social justice. If we cannot discuss issues that affect our communities, we cannot make change. Even though I was angry, I was civil and respectful in my comments. No one should stay silent because an organizer is incapable of treating people equally. I know it is hard to be called out, or called in, but the truth is we all make mistakes and are unaware of the biases we carry. We need to be able to take criticism in order to progress our awareness and equality for marginalized voices. Otherwise, we are not truly creating an inclusive and trusting community.

 

Please note: I will also state that the clothing swap name was already not inclusive since there are many people who do not identify as a woman or femme who could have been interested in the clothing and have this clothing to trade. Also, anyone over the size of 3X are usually excluded from clothing swaps, even in fat communities, which is also something that is problematic and needs to be addressed. The amount of fat bias a person experience increases considerably with their body size. While I may be fat, I still have some privilege compared to my friends who self identify as super fat, for example.

Fat Tainted Memories

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Fat Tainted Memories
By Kristy Draper

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Kristy at an Austin, TX restaurant enjoying the lake and a huge Christmas light display.

Some of my best memories are the hardest to relive. One of the joys of the digital age is that memories are easily accessible with one swipe. My husband, Steve, and I store many of our photos through cloud storage services, such as Google Photos, and are prompted each day with photo memories of the same day throughout the years (dating back to roughly 2010).

I am reminded of vacations, trips to see family, funny antics of our companion animals over the years, significant life changes, our wedding day, and all of the anniversaries that have followed. These are some of the best days, and memories, of my life. But I cringe each time I look at these photos. I see a selfie we took on a Cape Cod beach on our first anniversary, but all I can think of is how fat I look and how round my face is in the photo.

It is funny; I became a vegan because I wanted to live a more compassionate life, and not contribute to cruelty. In spite of that, I am a tyrant to myself where no compassion is shown. I can work up a cruel inner speech before some people can even respond “yes” or “no” to a question. I am sure I am not alone in that ability. I know it is not one of my best traits, and it has caused harm.

Recently, Steve showed me a photo that he took of me at a restaurant we used to frequent. He said that he loved that photo me and remembered how happy he was that day. I only responded with, “I hate that picture of me. Please do not share it with anyone.” He was so upset and looked as though I deflated him. He explained to me, that even though I may not like the photo of myself, I am stealing his good memories, and mentally hurting him and myself in the process. I felt like such a monster and a selfish one at that.

These aren’t just my memories. They are his memories. My family’s memories. My friend’s memories. I never thought about them, or their feelings toward the photos and recollection of the past. I only thought about making sure no one saw these photos of me. I can’t change the past, what I looked like, how I felt about myself, or how anyone else felt about me.

Over the past few years, I have learned more about body and fat acceptance, body and fat positivity, body diversity, and fat liberation. For the most part, I am happy with who I am and accepting of my size body. I am learning that I am not just a size, but a body. But also not just a body, but a person that has much to offer no matter what size. So much happened during these memories that pop up each day. In each photo, I am a different person – a different size in each one, have a different mindset in each one, and usually located in a different state in each one(we have moved around a lot!).

I am now trying to see each memory in a new light. When these daily reminders pop up, I am trying to pause and take in the whole picture, not just my belly size or face size or arm size, but trying to step back into that moment and relive each experience. I remember that day at the restaurant when Steve took my photo. I was happy. It was a beautiful day that we spent exploring and being in the moment with each other. Why I would ever want to taint or tarnish that memory is beyond my comprehension. I know some days I will still only see a fat person in the photo, and I recognize the need to continually unlearn that mentality. I am now more mindful of being compassionate towards myself and others who share these memories. So here is to making and cherishing more memories, but also learning to relive and re-love old memories.

Everything to Gain

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I wrote this piece in 2003 on a bike ride home late one night after being annoyed and bored at a music event. I kept stopping my bike and got out my pen and paper and wrote down a new idea and when I got home I roughly had this all put together. It was a very slow ride home! Later that year I performed the piece very nervously at Fat Girl Speaks. I had given numerous talks in front of audiences about fatphobia previously, but this was very different and very personal. It’s also published in my final compilation zine for “Take It- It’s My Body”.

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This is me, way back then, when I had everything to lose. My skin an inch deep from this surface of soft protection- a makeshift shield from society’s wrath. My true self desperate to shine though all the layers, patiently waiting for the grasp that magazines and bullies are not a reality I am willing to except. I learn to hide my insides just as I learned to hide my skin, for someone might notice my abundance. Pin me up for everyone to mock, just as everyone pinned me down with words that stung worse than any stick or stone and left me broken deeper than bone. Take down notes as to who I appear to be, weak and innocent, unknowing the answers to my happiness. And no one know the answers, just as no one asks the questions as to why we allow this cycle to come bearing down even heavier than my weight.

I would cry almost every day from this overwhelming pressure to fold my layers away forever- out of sight, out of mind. Or reminded by strangers, friends, family that I must devise a way to physically adapt to the dimensions of a very confined box. And as if my clothes represent my cycles of acceptance- I tear them off. All that I am told will mask my excess. A very cautious rebellion, making sure no one I’m not ready to handle can see. My personal scheme for something more than this pain of monotonous images I am plagued with from everyone’s false imagination of what people should be. You cannot judge worth based on my curves. Transformation is not improvement when it comes to my body.

I undress my soul to find myself in a tangle of these layers. But I will not concede to a corner- never exposing my skin, my body, me. In doing so, people mistake my stubbornness as a way of outlawing myself. As if I’m not already cringing inside from the very real probability that with my new challenging self love, people may not get it, just as people have not understood it and gorged my words with comparisons of what really matters to them. Often times I’m not in their equation. And now a friend no longer speaks to me for maybe I spoke too loud- or maybe I just spoke. For sometimes I must scream to be heard and something I must rattle to be listened to.

For my reconstruction is not in vain. As I choose to reveal myself, I chose to open myself. To the backlash, the looks, the questions, the “answers”, the fear, the hate. I’ll give you a lesson about hate. I love this world too much to allow it. So I find myself doing and saying things I would never expect. Just to win the opportunity of possibility to teach others my way of life. For I will not put my life on hold to discover I have no inner, thinner self. So this may be all you see tonight, but it is not as far as I will go. If I feel it will create a shiver and some impact, there is nothing I won’t expose. So the answer is I’m fat! The question is, Who Cares? Now everything for me I gain- my confidence, my acceptance, my fat me.

Vegan Beginnings (an appreciation story)

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Kristy

Happy World Vegan Day! When I think about my path towards veganism, I know it started with my childhood guinea pig Kristy. I have always been fat and as a child I was bullied for it. Kristy was my go-to for support. She would kiss my tears away, purr, and snuggle up next to me. I could always depend on her and she never let me down, never judged me and loved me unconditionally. There was no one else in my life I felt this way about or provided me this type of security.

Although she was uniquely amazing, I was able to connect that other animals had their own personalities and could be compassionate as well. I would look at a cow and know they were capable of love. I would look at a bunny and know they cared about how they were treated by others. I would look at a hurt bird and know they needed help. But then I would look at the world around me and noticed so many animals were being harmed by the hands of humans. I knew it was wrong and that I had to do something.

High school I spent a lot of time speaking out against fur and cosmetic testing. It was the larger animal welfare organization’s focus at the time. A close family friend got me memberships to some of them as a gift. I would receive educational materials in the mail and absorbed everything I was reading and did further research. I wrote an article for my school newspaper class titled, “Are you brushing with death?” about products that tested on animals. I thought I was so clever (and still do!) I shared a creative writing piece with my English class called “Humane Trap?” about a fox stuck in a trap from the perspective of the fox. My classmates thought I was weird for my obsession with animal rights.

Luckily my parents were mostly supportive, but were annoyed when I decided to stop eating meat since it meant more work to prepare meals. They allowed me to go Fur Free Friday protests and was excited for me when I was (very briefly) on the news holding a sign. They were still supportive when I become much more involved in animals rights during college, was the director of my college’s animal rights group, and didn’t mind getting into trouble. Thanksgiving was happily all vegan food (as long as I was preparing the feast) and learned the hard way that my goal was to save a turkey and not just have a nice family meal. My rebel ways rubbed off on them. My dad became more liberal with his views and when my picture ended up in national news after being billy-clubbed by a police officer at the WTO (World Trade Organization) protest in Seattle; my dad picked me up from the train station with so much pride.

Today, I still see animals in the same way. When I look at my rat Ezri, besides being the cutest being on the planet, I see her unique personality. I know she loves back massages and prefers sleeping on top of things rather than inside. She’s the sweetest little rat, but is also very dominant and it takes her awhile to accept new friends. Her sister Jadzia is very gentle and loves to give kisses. She’s also highly intelligent and amazes me often, but is also prone to lose her balance trying to get closer to you. I know they are capable of pain, as well as love. When I heard about Impossible Foods testing on rats for their plant-based burger I was (and still am) mad as hell. I do not consider it vegan and do not think their decision was acceptable. All I can think about are the rats just like my Ezri and Jadzia that were killed for the study. That is not the future of food!

Sometimes I wonder if I would still have become vegan if I hadn’t had Kristy in my life. Would I have built the same relationship and understanding with her if I was not fat? How much did the childhood bullying contribute to recognizing the importance of empathy?  What I do know is that the kindness of another species got my through a tough childhood and changed me for the better. She gave me to determination to fight for animals and do my best to show others what compassion truly is. I am so appreciative for her role in my life and teaching me to be the vegan I am today.

 

Do you have a story to share? Please contact me! fatveganvoice@gmail.com

 

My Fat Vegan Voice

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Swimming with my grandma while visiting her and my grandpa in Texas. I had a love/hate relationship with that pool since I loved to swim, but I didn’t love being in a swimsuit.

It’s sort of ironic that I want to tell my story, because I have a horrible memory. I don’t recall the first time I was called fat, or even the first time as a vegan I was targeted for being fat. But I do recall my whole life feeling ashamed and silenced for being fat. I do recall not fitting in because of my size. And I do remember experiences of fatphobia throughout my life. One of my earliest memories came back to me when I was looking back at childhood photos awhile back. It was a picture of me in a navy polka dot bathing suit enjoying a swim in my grandparent’s pool one summer in Texas.

In the picture I looked so happy. I was smiling, obvious laughing. I always loved being in the pool since it was such a freeing feeling. The lack of gravity of my body felt so good! That must have been the real before picture.

My grandma asked me to get out of the pool, so I did. She asked me to stand sideways and as a good granddaughter I did what I was asked. She then asked me to suck in my belly, tuck in my butt, and stick out my chest. So I did. It was a polaroid camera so after a few minutes she showed me the photos. One next to the other.

“Look how much better you look in this one” she explained. So proud to show me a version of myself that looked thinner. I didn’t fully comprehend at the time what she was trying to say, but I did know she was telling me that I was not good enough as I was. I did know that she wanted me to change. I did know I was a disappointment.

In vegan circles we talk a lot about compassion. My grandmother did not show me any. I was not accepted as who I was and it hurt. I think one reason why I was so open to veganism is because I knew what it felt like to not be understood or feel loved just as I was. It caused me to think about others differently. I knew compassion towards others was important, since the lack of it towards me was so challenging.

There are so many little and big ways that veganism and fatness connect in my world. There are also a lot of ways that they combat with each other, since fatness is so often heavily attacked in vegan communities and in fat acceptance communities, veganism is rightfully seen as not accepting body diversity (or any diversity for that matter). I hope to combat that.

This is just the beginning of my story, my voice. Do you have a voice you want to share? I would like to hear from other fat vegans! Please email me at fatveganvoice@gmail.com.