Everything to Gain

I wrote this piece in 2003 on a bike ride home late one night after being annoyed and bored at a music event. I kept stopping my bike and got out my pen and paper and wrote down a new idea and when I got home I roughly had this all put together. It was a very slow ride home! Later that year I performed the piece very nervously at Fat Girl Speaks. I had given numerous talks in front of audiences about fatphobia previously, but this was very different and very personal. It’s also published in my final compilation zine for “Take It- It’s My Body”.

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This is me, way back then, when I had everything to lose. My skin an inch deep from this surface of soft protection- a makeshift shield from society’s wrath. My true self desperate to shine though all the layers, patiently waiting for the grasp that magazines and bullies are not a reality I am willing to except. I learn to hide my insides just as I learned to hide my skin, for someone might notice my abundance. Pin me up for everyone to mock, just as everyone pinned me down with words that stung worse than any stick or stone and left me broken deeper than bone. Take down notes as to who I appear to be, weak and innocent, unknowing the answers to my happiness. And no one know the answers, just as no one asks the questions as to why we allow this cycle to come bearing down even heavier than my weight.

I would cry almost every day from this overwhelming pressure to fold my layers away forever- out of sight, out of mind. Or reminded by strangers, friends, family that I must devise a way to physically adapt to the dimensions of a very confined box. And as if my clothes represent my cycles of acceptance- I tear them off. All that I am told will mask my excess. A very cautious rebellion, making sure no one I’m not ready to handle can see. My personal scheme for something more than this pain of monotonous images I am plagued with from everyone’s false imagination of what people should be. You cannot judge worth based on my curves. Transformation is not improvement when it comes to my body.

I undress my soul to find myself in a tangle of these layers. But I will not concede to a corner- never exposing my skin, my body, me. In doing so, people mistake my stubbornness as a way of outlawing myself. As if I’m not already cringing inside from the very real probability that with my new challenging self love, people may not get it, just as people have not understood it and gorged my words with comparisons of what really matters to them. Often times I’m not in their equation. And now a friend no longer speaks to me for maybe I spoke too loud- or maybe I just spoke. For sometimes I must scream to be heard and something I must rattle to be listened to.

For my reconstruction is not in vain. As I choose to reveal myself, I chose to open myself. To the backlash, the looks, the questions, the “answers”, the fear, the hate. I’ll give you a lesson about hate. I love this world too much to allow it. So I find myself doing and saying things I would never expect. Just to win the opportunity of possibility to teach others my way of life. For I will not put my life on hold to discover I have no inner, thinner self. So this may be all you see tonight, but it is not as far as I will go. If I feel it will create a shiver and some impact, there is nothing I won’t expose. So the answer is I’m fat! The question is, Who Cares? Now everything for me I gain- my confidence, my acceptance, my fat me.

Vegan Beginnings (an appreciation story)


Happy World Vegan Day! When I think about my path towards veganism, I know it started with my childhood guinea pig Kristy. I have always been fat and as a child I was bullied for it. Kristy was my go-to for support. She would kiss my tears away, purr, and snuggle up next to me. I could always depend on her and she never let me down, never judged me and loved me unconditionally. There was no one else in my life I felt this way about or provided me this type of security.

Although she was uniquely amazing, I was able to connect that other animals had their own personalities and could be compassionate as well. I would look at a cow and know they were capable of love. I would look at a bunny and know they cared about how they were treated by others. I would look at a hurt bird and know they needed help. But then I would look at the world around me and noticed so many animals were being harmed by the hands of humans. I knew it was wrong and that I had to do something.

High school I spent a lot of time speaking out against fur and cosmetic testing. It was the larger animal welfare organization’s focus at the time. A close family friend got me memberships to some of them as a gift. I would receive educational materials in the mail and absorbed everything I was reading and did further research. I wrote an article for my school newspaper class titled, “Are you brushing with death?” about products that tested on animals. I thought I was so clever (and still do!) I shared a creative writing piece with my English class called “Humane Trap?” about a fox stuck in a trap from the perspective of the fox. My classmates thought I was weird for my obsession with animal rights.

Luckily my parents were mostly supportive, but were annoyed when I decided to stop eating meat since it meant more work to prepare meals. They allowed me to go Fur Free Friday protests and was excited for me when I was (very briefly) on the news holding a sign. They were still supportive when I become much more involved in animals rights during college, was the director of my college’s animal rights group, and didn’t mind getting into trouble. Thanksgiving was happily all vegan food (as long as I was preparing the feast) and learned the hard way that my goal was to save a turkey and not just have a nice family meal. My rebel ways rubbed off on them. My dad became more liberal with his views and when my picture ended up in national news after being billy-clubbed by a police officer at the WTO (World Trade Organization) protest in Seattle; my dad picked me up from the train station with so much pride.

Today, I still see animals in the same way. When I look at my rat Ezri, besides being the cutest being on the planet, I see her unique personality. I know she loves back massages and prefers sleeping on top of things rather than inside. She’s the sweetest little rat, but is also very dominant and it takes her awhile to accept new friends. Her sister Jadzia is very gentle and loves to give kisses. She’s also highly intelligent and amazes me often, but is also prone to lose her balance trying to get closer to you. I know they are capable of pain, as well as love. When I heard about Impossible Foods testing on rats for their plant-based burger I was (and still am) mad as hell. I do not consider it vegan and do not think their decision was acceptable. All I can think about are the rats just like my Ezri and Jadzia that were killed for the study. That is not the future of food!

Sometimes I wonder if I would still have become vegan if I hadn’t had Kristy in my life. Would I have built the same relationship and understanding with her if I was not fat? How much did the childhood bullying contribute to recognizing the importance of empathy?  What I do know is that the kindness of another species got my through a tough childhood and changed me for the better. She gave me to determination to fight for animals and do my best to show others what compassion truly is. I am so appreciative for her role in my life and teaching me to be the vegan I am today.


Do you have a story to share? Please contact me! fatveganvoice@gmail.com


My Fat Vegan Voice

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Swimming with my grandma while visiting her and my grandpa in Texas. I had a love/hate relationship with that pool since I loved to swim, but I didn’t love being in a swimsuit.

It’s sort of ironic that I want to tell my story, because I have a horrible memory. I don’t recall the first time I was called fat, or even the first time as a vegan I was targeted for being fat. But I do recall my whole life feeling ashamed and silenced for being fat. I do recall not fitting in because of my size. And I do remember experiences of fatphobia throughout my life. One of my earliest memories came back to me when I was looking back at childhood photos awhile back. It was a picture of me in a navy polka dot bathing suit enjoying a swim in my grandparent’s pool one summer in Texas.

In the picture I looked so happy. I was smiling, obvious laughing. I always loved being in the pool since it was such a freeing feeling. The lack of gravity of my body felt so good! That must have been the real before picture.

My grandma asked me to get out of the pool, so I did. She asked me to stand sideways and as a good granddaughter I did what I was asked. She then asked me to suck in my belly, tuck in my butt, and stick out my chest. So I did. It was a polaroid camera so after a few minutes she showed me the photos. One next to the other.

“Look how much better you look in this one” she explained. So proud to show me a version of myself that looked thinner. I didn’t fully comprehend at the time what she was trying to say, but I did know she was telling me that I was not good enough as I was. I did know that she wanted me to change. I did know I was a disappointment.

In vegan circles we talk a lot about compassion. My grandmother did not show me any. I was not accepted as who I was and it hurt. I think one reason why I was so open to veganism is because I knew what it felt like to not be understood or feel loved just as I was. It caused me to think about others differently. I knew compassion towards others was important, since the lack of it towards me was so challenging.

There are so many little and big ways that veganism and fatness connect in my world. There are also a lot of ways that they combat with each other, since fatness is so often heavily attacked in vegan communities and in fat acceptance communities, veganism is rightfully seen as not accepting body diversity (or any diversity for that matter). I hope to combat that.

This is just the beginning of my story, my voice. Do you have a voice you want to share? I would like to hear from other fat vegans! Please email me at fatveganvoice@gmail.com.